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Saturday, November 10th, 2007
6:38 pm
 leaves have fallen. wind is turning. cold. listening to old comfortable songs. you are sleeping. and i am painting. thinking. drinking. coffee. winter is coming my love. wake up.

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Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
2:54 pm
 all of my worries about the "big2-5" were ridiculous. i ended up having the best birthday in a long long long time. and now i'm feeling somewhat proud of myself. feel like at the last minute i realized that i have accomplished things. i'm not in the same place i've always been. have a wonderful relationship. a wonderful home. incredible friends. a great job. can pay my bills. live in the city of my dreams. so i didn't show up for this milestone empty handed after all. 

then why the drama? why the breakdown? insecurities? immaturity? 
this time last weekend seems like a dream now. or rather a very distorted nightmare. had no idea how frightening it is to be watched 24 hours a day. critiqued and judge on my emotions. MY emotions. how can people put a rating on the way a person feels? so creepy.

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Friday, October 12th, 2007
3:42 pm - its october again.

i'm feeling like i might have made a mistake taking this job. this week has been nothing but disappointments. won't get my first paycheck for 3 weeks. which makes sense, but for whatever reason i was not expecting. and now that i'm full time, somehow i feel even smaller than when i was temping. every person i've talked to has a complaint. and its really starting to get to me. today is friday though. and it can't end soon enough. 

i've been in such a rotten mood the last few days. about everything. i suppose this is just a very emotional month for me. in two days it will have been five years. and the hole in my heart seems to just grow and grow. strange how sadness doesn't really increase or decrease over time. just changes forms and meanings and impact on your daily life, but still feels every bit  as lonely. 

and in twelve days i will be 25. and certain birthdays always seem exciting when they are years or months or even weeks down the road. but as the day grows nearer it seems to be more cause for anxiety and depression than celebration. worried about making plans. worried that no one feels like its a priority. worried that i continue to grow older and still feel so unnaccomplished. 

plus family was here last week. and somewhat of a let-down. i thought they were coming to spend time with me. to witness and experience a little piece of my "new" life. but no. we went only places that are well above my means and lifestyle. and definitly places that drew and i can't afford to go, and usually wouldn't feel comfortable at. and then he was made out to be the bad guy for not accompanying us. and i spent a good deal of my weekend defending someone who has done absolutely nothing wrong. and a good deal of my weekend made to feel like he's not adequate for me because he's not wealthy. because he's not building me a 25,000 square foot house. or buying me a huge diamond engagement ring. or allowing me to stay home and do domestic little wifey duties. who said i want that?? who said i expect that? or respect that? who said there's anything wrong with being in love with someone because they are who they are and you are who you are. and that the two of you will build your entire lives together. so that when you're 80 and have everything you could ever want. and have done everything you ever wanted. been everywhere you dreamed of  going. you can say, look at what we made together. 

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Sunday, August 26th, 2007
12:44 pm
why do i have such a problem trusting? i have the greatest boyfriend i could ever imagine. better than i could imagine. someone who spends an entire day telling me how beautiful i am. hugging and kissing and cuddling with me. telling me over and over how in love he is with me. and it takes one tiny fragment of a not-even-an-incident for me to become suspicious. to build this grand story in my head. to grow angry and jealous in a matter of seconds. its ridiculous i know. but sometimes it just seems so real.

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Saturday, August 18th, 2007
1:35 pm
relationships are really hard. loving is really hard. trusting that someone is honest about his feelings. that when he says i love you he doesnt mean i love you when you do exactly what i want. but, i love you because you do the things that YOU do. and have the thoughts that YOU have. and look the way that YOU look. and making up is really hard. when you want to just apologize and let it go. but still need to prove your point. knowing that you're right and yet not able to make him understand. giving and giving and giving. and giving more. and feeling like all you take is the blame.

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Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
1:23 pm

so, i cannot believe i am writing. was surprised to discover that this even existed still. but here i am. and i want to write so badly. but i never do. never have any time at home to sit alone and physically write down my thoughts. not that that is a bad thing. i've always done much better with busy. alone and bored, not so much. so i am fortunate to now live in a city that never sleeps. with a boyfriend who very rarely sleeps, ha. who completes my life more perfectly than i could ever have imagined. 
and yet i'm worried there is no separation. not sure sometimes if my thoughts and feelings are mine or just projections of his. worried that my absolute love and adoration for him overshadow that for myself. and i dont want to wind up smothering not only him but myself as well. and i guess i just need to get that out there; to know its ok to speak the truth even if it doesnt sound so dreamy. that i still can be reasonable. and level headed. and have my own ideas and truths and perceptions.

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Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
4:39 pm
tomorrow will be a tough one. perhaps thats why i feel so much. so many emotions insecurities that swell and fade into nothingness. emptiness. this hole in my heart. sometimes i fall in. fall in and become lost in loves that are blind. superficial. ridiculous in fact. but this will come to an end. this hazel raging lust that has overwhelmed me for the last 3 years has been quenched. i know he is worthless. and i put my life and goals and self respect in jeopardy everytime he is near. everytime he needs a favor. everytime he claims to want me back. everytime he wants a fuck. the person i see clearly now is grotesque. a humiliation to look into his eyes. pathetic to give into those eyes anymore. he will never be the man i once hoped. i now question if he will ever grow into any man. i doubt it. so i will try to shove out of my life completely. and i do mean it this time.

because i know someone that is wonderful. as much as i question him and his intentions. i know that he is someone not to pass by. falling in love with someone new is unnerving for me. i dont know what i'm even capable of in terms of a relationship. i'm not good at it thats for sure. but he makes me want to be. and i have never felt that. never been willing to unground my feet from where i stand. but i dont want to be unyielding to compromise. i find myself caring for him more every day. smiling at the simple thought of him. completely giddy at times. and i try to let myself feel these things. and yet, always there's this lingering taste of fear. this knowledge in my throat that he will break my heart. and so i guard myself. my feelings. my happiness. i run when things become questionable. i say irrational things. and act like the paranoid insecure bitch that its so easy for me to be. i want to make him happy. i want to be what he wants. want to be enough. and thats something i've never felt i was for anyone. afraid that he will realize it soon and that leaves me breathless.

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Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
2:12 am
i am so proud of you love. you will be great. because you always have been. at everything you put your mind to and heart in. moogie.

i wont lie. i think of him often. cant stop at the moment. and talking to him tonight does not help this situation. when he's sweet he's irresistible. beautiful. lovable. i'm so scared to let him in though. terrified to even live under the false pretense of friends. how can we do that? i know that we cant. and yet i need an excuse to see him. be with him. breathe his eccentricities. i understand him more than i can even explain myself. and that closeness can never be taken from me.

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Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
6:59 pm
the ancients believed that the male was spiritually incomplete until he had carnal knowledge of the sacred feminine. physical union with the female remained the sole means through which man could become spiritually complete and ultimately achieve gnosis-knowledge of the divine. by communing with woman, man could achieve a climactic instant when his mind went totally blank and he could see God. physiologically speaking, the male climax was accompanied by a split second entirely devoid of thought. a moment of clarity during which God could be glimpsed.

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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
10:12 pm
christmas has come and gone. and i feel bad. assumed a lot of things this holiday season that i now think were wrong. hurt people's feelings i think. i hate doing that. the step father and i shared an emotional moment. actually, he was the emotional one. i forget that he's still grieving as well. that he lost his wife. that he really isnt a bad person. we simply dont communicate well. he offered to put the title of the car in my name, and pay 6 months of insurance. thats a pretty nice gift.
had fun with my girlfriends last night. really miss jenny. that bond that nothing can ever compare to. so thankful for her. for all our years together. all our years to come. new york sweetie? her mother and brother who both are as good as family to me.
it was a joy to see nicholas. he will always have me in the palm of his hand i suppose. 7 years later, after all the growing up i've done, and i still adore him every time i see him. what a wonderful feeling!

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Monday, December 20th, 2004
11:44 pm
laughing
touching
fucking
ending
judging
"worrying"
asking
prying
annoying
hurting
loving
forgetting
trusting
liking
laughing

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11:37 pm
its almost christmas. big deal. what is there to look forward to? trying to please everyone else? putting on a fake smile. would rather sleep through all the false festivities.
do miss my brother though. and the grandparents and uncle. but i can feel the same ball of stressful emotion building up in my chest, same as every holiday the past few years. 3 actually. third christmas without the feeling of joy. with no feeling of family. no sense of home. pushing things to the bottom to make everyone think they feel comfortable. not this year. not pretending to think the step family wants me around. dont care if they do. this year, i dont want to be. i dont care what they think of me because of it.

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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
3:51 pm
how things change...and how they stay the same. cant decide which is worse. moving forward is cool and fresh. but painful, sad. looking back hurts so bad sometimes. i think i've really opened my eyes in the last month. i hope so. hope i'm not as foolish as i've always been. trying to look out for number one. me. nobody else is. sure as hell not the delinquents i choose to date. have always chose to date. chad is here again. in my life. in my head. on the phone. its alright though. he's physically in another state. and i realize we will never get back together. i'm too good for him. but i cant let him walk out of my life forever. so i hang on to this strange and quite awkward friendship.
i have a great house though. its adorable. and i like being there. sitting on the couch. cleaning the bathroom. doing laundry. drinking on the patio. as opposed to a bar. on the weekends. as opposed to every night. i feel grounded and safe and settled for the most part. and for a long time i feared i would never be this comfortable, but here i am.
i am poor though. dreadfully poor. achingly, teary-eyed, runny-nose poor. oh, i hate it. constantly working. never go out to eat, to a movie, to a concert. because i always have to work and never have any money. even if i had money and a night off, i couldnt afford it when my next paycheck wasnt at its max. argh. it costs to be the boss, as marcos would say. whatever the hell that means!

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
12:28 pm
things are great. tiring. sometimes a little stressful. but i'm good. truly. for the first time in years probably. school. good grades. new diet...sort of haha. family. friends. nobody making me feel i dont meet his expectations. just me. and my voice. and zero 7. and marlboro ULTRA lights. and big dorky sunglasses. and eileen-the worst driver in the world! and hopes for the future. and happiness in the present.

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
11:52 am
i have been so worried. so uptight. the past few weeks. questioning myself...my plans for the future, my decision making abilities. but, now, it feels like its going to be ok. jenny feels like home to me. and i wish i didnt question that. this weekend, though, my giddy anticipation has returned...very much welcomed. i'm just going to let everything fall into place.
speaking of which. this feeling that i'm feeling lately hasnt been around in quite awhile. not this strong anyway. and whether anything comes of it, i'm glad its here. that i'm capable of wanting this. with someone that i suspect is great. but, also there is so much to consider. not something i can walk into with my eyes closed to the world. so how do i handle that if need be? how do i speak my mind and my heart, without the fear of disapproval? we'll cross that bridge when we get there i suppose.

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Monday, December 15th, 2003
3:57 pm
the lack of...concern, love, interest from that family truly hurts my feelings. its stupid for them to make me, and jason, feel like outsiders after all these years. 13 years? you would think i meant more by now. they are cruel and grounded in their ways and it disgusts me, and tears at my loose sensitivities. i dont even know how to face them, to belittle myself enough to paste on a smile. so they can feel they do their part. HA!
but i have more important things to concern myself with. like, the fact that i am with my best friend in the world. the person who always makes me feel alive...no matter how i'm living. i love this girl jenny. thank you God for her.

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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
11:29 am
this is my favorite thing...

Name 4 bad habits you have:
1.messing with my face
2.smoking
3.eating-ALL the time now
4.reading 6 books simultaneously

Name 4 things you wish you had:
1.internet service at the house
2.the Christian Dior ring i luuuuve
3.an alpaca
4.patience

Name 4 scents you love:
1.Hot Couture by Givency-so what if it smells like a stripper?!
2.dryer sheets-any and all varieties
3.mom and grandma's makeup-the smell of security
4.dove original clean deodorant

Name 4 things you'd never wear:
1.a corset-i've tried, my breasts look horrible!
2.rings on every finger-that just eats at my heart when i see that
3.a backpack style purse-well, i love the louis one, so thats a lie
4.clear shoes

Name 4 things you're thinking about now:
1.getting home and making a hamburger
2.the weimeriener (sp!?!) i hope hope hope i get
3."chores" i need to do today
4.not of old boyfriends, ha, thats for sure

Name 4 things you've done today:
1.played jeopardy with eileen
...uh, i've done absolutely nothing so far today. i gotta get a move on!

Name 4 things you've bought recently:
1.xmas cards
2.acne medicine, ugh
3.toothpaste
4.those black/white that look so good but hurt so bad

Name 4 drinks you regularly drink:
1.water
2.diet coke
3.lemon powerade from fridge at work
4.apple juice

Last song you sang:
mystery girl, yeah yeah yeahs

Last person you hugged:
marcos, at the bar last night. becasue he "hadn't seen me in forever" which is his fault!

Last thing you laughed at:
"iwannaeatyououtyoucomeonmyfacei'llcallyouback"-dirty mr.frye

Last time you said "I love you" and meant it:
to my grandparents last night

Last time you cried:
2 nights ago

Whats in your CD player?
the white stripes, adamo, sade

What color socks are you wearing?
none, i really dislike socks

Whats under your bed?
ONE hatbox of mine, and a bunch of my grandmothers things i'm scared to even look at

What time did you wake up today?
7 and again at 9

Current taste:
sausage AND potatoe, egg and cheese taquito

Current hair:
short! dirty at the moment

current clothes:
yellow/green tshirt and boys sweat pants

current annoyance:
kazaa will not open, argh

current longing:
to love someone great.
and to move

current desktop picture:
MADD wallpaper-V loves it

current worry:
money money money
getting fat

current hate:
chapped lips

Whats your favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
eyes, cheekbones, lips, hands, neck

Whats the last CD you bought?
probably alanis morrisette in 8th grade, its been that long...

Whats your favorite place to be?
the center of attention
or on the flipside, driving, smoking, listening to music-this is where i can actually think

Whats your least favorite place to be?
caught in a lie

If you could play an instrument?
harp, thats all

Favorite color:
burgandy, grey, hot pink, white

Current favorite word or saying:
i like talking about our chacholas

Favorite season:
winter. i'm a big fan of December/January

One person from the past you would like to talk to:
my mama

Where would you like to go?
iceland, london, chicago, greece, germany

What is your careeer going to be like?
i just hope i get one one day

How many kids do you want?
i need a daughter. but i want a son. two or three, if any

Whats your favorite car?
the old land rover's that look like a box

Random lyrics:
be like the squirrel girl
be like the squirrel
give it a whirl girl,
be like the squirrel
chop off your hair girl
and straighten your curls,
yeah your problems hide in your curls

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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
1:37 pm
making plans, and hoping its not in vain. i really want to make this happen. a move, a new start. but with familiar faces, and comfortable places. and one person i love most in this world. even if live alone, i know she will be just a few minutes away. and that in itself is worth everything. thats what i grew up looking forward to. the two of us-"its just you and me, always and forever. you and me will always be together."

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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
5:31 pm
i want to remember that i was not made nor broken by him. and that he did love me, if only on occasion. and that there were some wonderful moments; few, but enough to last me a lifetime. and that we were beautiful even while being hideous to each other. and that i am past that stage. and i'll always love him; not be consumed by him and love him more for that. and no, i dont wish i could take it all back. i wish it had been better, had lasted longer. but i learned so much. about trust, committment, love, sex, patience. i learned it all from him. he tore me down and kept me there, but never let me slip beneath myself, and i am grateful to him for preserving my tiny life. its ok to think about him as much as i do. i'm accepting these feelings. they're part of the grieving process, something that i am still learning.
and with that in mind, today was such a good day. for the simple fact that i'm happy. and now i'm with people i am crazy for! and i'm going to see ftl! and i got my hair cut! and i'm wearing my new black/white heels! and about to drink a martini!

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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
2:17 pm
1 day 9 hours 44 minutes until i am 21. such a monumental age. i feel every bit of 21. but, whew, am i excited! i hope this weekend is fulfilling and memorable. so much has happened since this time last year, it doesnt seem possible that i could have fit it all into just a year. i hope this next one is a little less eventful, a lot less dramatic. not nearly as painful.

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