emilee (imyourseraphim) wrote,

its october again.

i'm feeling like i might have made a mistake taking this job. this week has been nothing but disappointments. won't get my first paycheck for 3 weeks. which makes sense, but for whatever reason i was not expecting. and now that i'm full time, somehow i feel even smaller than when i was temping. every person i've talked to has a complaint. and its really starting to get to me. today is friday though. and it can't end soon enough. 

i've been in such a rotten mood the last few days. about everything. i suppose this is just a very emotional month for me. in two days it will have been five years. and the hole in my heart seems to just grow and grow. strange how sadness doesn't really increase or decrease over time. just changes forms and meanings and impact on your daily life, but still feels every bit  as lonely. 

and in twelve days i will be 25. and certain birthdays always seem exciting when they are years or months or even weeks down the road. but as the day grows nearer it seems to be more cause for anxiety and depression than celebration. worried about making plans. worried that no one feels like its a priority. worried that i continue to grow older and still feel so unnaccomplished. 

plus family was here last week. and somewhat of a let-down. i thought they were coming to spend time with me. to witness and experience a little piece of my "new" life. but no. we went only places that are well above my means and lifestyle. and definitly places that drew and i can't afford to go, and usually wouldn't feel comfortable at. and then he was made out to be the bad guy for not accompanying us. and i spent a good deal of my weekend defending someone who has done absolutely nothing wrong. and a good deal of my weekend made to feel like he's not adequate for me because he's not wealthy. because he's not building me a 25,000 square foot house. or buying me a huge diamond engagement ring. or allowing me to stay home and do domestic little wifey duties. who said i want that?? who said i expect that? or respect that? who said there's anything wrong with being in love with someone because they are who they are and you are who you are. and that the two of you will build your entire lives together. so that when you're 80 and have everything you could ever want. and have done everything you ever wanted. been everywhere you dreamed of  going. you can say, look at what we made together. 

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